I'll go ahead and warn you before you read any further;
This post is extremely emotional and sad.
Today is a difficult day for my family, myself and too many others to count.
Since 2005, I have cried on this date every year.
One of the most devastating days of my life.
I remember that day just like it was yesterday.
Deep down inside, I knew something was wrong that day.
But no one had called to tell me anything.
When I got home that evening, my husband told me that
I needed to sit down.
The look on his face was very telling.
We sat down and he said I have something bad to tell you.
He didn't even have to speak the words.
I knew what he was going to say.
My dad had committed suicide.
I tried to act like I was strong enough to handle it.
The next morning, it hit me that I would never hear
my dads voice again. I would never see him again.
I would never tell him I love him; I would never tell him
happy birthday or happy fathers day.
Then I started to realize how alone and hurt he must have felt.
And my heart broke.
My family has never been perfect, just like no ones family is perfect.
We have had our issues and family drama but we always
come back to each other and we have always
been there for each other no matter what was going on
and no matter who hurt who's feelings.
Grieving is a hard process and there are so
many emotions and feelings and different levels of
those feelings when you are grieving.
For a while, each day would bring a different feeling.
Hurt, angry, devastated, mad, heartbroken and not understanding why.
Suicide is a very permanent thing and
there is usually no closure for the family.
I often wonder what my dad was thinking that day
and I think about how hopeless he must have felt.
I miss my dad so much.
If you know of anyone that threatens suicide or
is suicidal, please, reach out and get them help.